Sleepless NIghts :)

HI

I just found something interesting on youtube

Singapore Compliant Choir

OK. That's random ._.

Anyways...yep sleepless nights. Haven't been able to fall asleep the past few nights seems like my insomnia's acting up again HAIZ

And so... with all the trying to sleep, lying on the bed doing nth... i kindda did lots and lots of brain work also known as thinking.

I think i've changed  a lot lately...or to be exact the past 1 year.

yea not only physically but well mentally/emotionally too i guess?

Sure, i've grown taller by quite a bit and i guess im uncovering more abt me and who i am... hey but im no where near.

And if you ask me... i really hate myself at times.

And i mean that negative feeling is getting stronger.

And no not that i wanna kill myself or anything liddat.

It's more of a 'i really really feel like bashing myself up' kindda thing.

It's like i really dunno why i give the wrong reation at times.

Dont give me the you are supposed to be yourself and theres no such thing as wrong reation and all

And this is not a poem even tho this line by line thing makes it seem like one.

It's just that im used to reading ppl, and giving them the reaction i want

And that includes suppressing what i really wanna say and do

I just well serve to please

But lately that's not the case

I am seriously NOT giving people the reactions they want, and well that's wierd

And i get cranky....and im no longer slow to anger.

I get angry pretty fast now..... and argh i have some problems hiding it.

Which feels weird.

And i can't keep smiling when i dont feel like it anymore.

Like i mean if something goes wrong i cant keep the smile on my face

Like it will momentarily appear then disappear

Which feels weird coz.... well i smile a lot

Ok end of rant and all >_< i really dont want my blog to become some ranting site

SO... back to sleepless nights

I think i have a split personality. Or at least sth liddat. And i know which one is the real me... but i dont want to part with... the other me.

Makes sense?^

hmm let's just say the smart aleck, care-free kid you see most of the time... was built by me. Was established strongly and put in action since i was young. A projection of what i want others to see me as. And well... that's not the real me. This me doesnt hv a care in the world, has a slight AP, might be slightly AA and is a real friendly person...and this person is actually not me. Pretty creepy huh. I really dunno when i started with this but it's like what i want people to see me as. well, im not dropping it any time soon... it works well in this society i guess.

Well, as for the real me...i guess its slowly revealing itself while i fight it off so i can keep on my cover^

As far as i know, i dont trust anyone, analyses every single person i see and can be quite focus >< yep, lets just say i discovered i cant trust anyone HAIZ which you can kindda explain y i nv have many good friends...simply bcoz i dont trust everyone and anyone around me! And well i caught myself judging others too many times to count... which is scary.

So... that's all for today i guess. I hope i dont freak anyone out.

Alone with my bro at home for these 3 days. Had fun! :)

xoxo Beatrice